mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli
mordicai

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for no particular reason, i'm feeling torn apart today. like a cat pounced on my shadow & poof, there i go, toppled into the sea. spirits of the air & darkness hovering in the eaves of brooklyn, out of sight. when i said for no particular reason, i guess i lied. i know at least a major contributing factor- that BEAST named self. or more specifically, self-destruction, that seed planted in my breast that hungers for my defeat at all my enemies' hands. in this case my enemies are a couple of research papers. to my credit, i'm at least starting to scratch & hiss weeks before they are due- thats improvement, right? my english paper, natch, i can sweep that up in hand like a raven with a broken wing. i can mend my thoughts & set them to paper. but the post-proceedural historical ecology paper? what the hell am i supposed to write that about? as much as i enjoy the class, i have to confess that i'm at a loss to go higher on bloom's taxonomy. i can soak in it, but what am i supposed to talk about for fifteen pages? i may talk a good game, but i don't feel fucking original in my thoughts when it comes to, for instances, privliged views. for a second i tossed around ideas about haunted houses, & how they act as, i dunno, status dilineators, like how broke down mansions in poor neighborhoods are likely to be seen as haunted, or whatever. thats an idea, sure, but how the fuck would i find information on it? oh, fuck, i hate my life. & then of course there is japanese lurking under the waves like god-fucking-zilla.

chris came back from barbados finally, so to celebrate him & me went to see hellboy after work. it was alright, i guess, & it gets the imagination going, but i'm sad to say i wasn't blown away or anything. perlman as hellboy was probably the films biggest triumph- he's pretty fucking believable as a 6'5" red demon guy. also, the nazi clockwork assassin guy was well done, though his name escapes me at the moment & i don't want to get up & try to find it. "clockwork nazi assassin guy" is a pretty acurate description- how many of those guys can there be? (answer: not enough). i kind of think i pissed jenny off by going to see it; chris & i sort of decided at the last minute, & i didn't call her until i'd gotten out of the subway at union square. i'm torn between wanted to feel (unreasonably) like i don't need to ask her for permission or (more reasonably) feeling like a bum, because she was waiting at home hoping i'd pick up chinese food, because she was hungry. i guess i just want to spend more time with her. sunday & monday both she's been asleep most of the time when i've been home, & i'm asleep when she goes to work. we're like ships passing in the night, sdf-3 & the robotech masters gliding silently past each other in the silence of space. i realized this morning that i should try real hard to be a great boyfriend tonight & wednesday night, because come thursday there is going to be a hustle & bustle going on here, with ranai & pj staying on our futon, & mark coming into town. hell, thursday night we're both hanging out with diffrent groups.

i can't afford to alienate jenny right now, even a little bit. she's my tenuous link to caring about the real world, my reason for fighting in the academic gladiatorial pits. if i keep her in my coror, i can throw all haymakers at school- the triple team of english, japanese, & post-proceedural historical ecology is not a match for the pair of us. osteology i've got well in hand, at least- if i had to spend hours in lab on top of all this shit, i'd probably...well, give up. & like the ads in the subway say ...giving up is not an option. so i'll be like that black dude in the track suit, & keep on keeping on.
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