mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli

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so when i try doing faggy "positive visualization" on my face? i end up thinking about breetai, khyron & prince lotor. blue faced soldiers is the order of the day i guess. i remember reading all those hard to believe numbers on what positive thinking is supposed to do for the healing process, & agent cooper says the recouperative properties of the body are astounding when the will is invoked, so i'm game, but i do feel a bit like a moron.

now, i don't want to come off as ungrateful. i mean, jenny's computer is busted, so its nice of kira to let me use hers. but what sort of person doesn't have word on their computer? so kira doesn't have aim, thats fine. i tried using quickbuddy but was too deeply frustrated by that to continue it with any regularity. its just weird, to me, not to have word on your machine.

so now i guess i'm sort of starting to get curious about the surgery they performed on me. not on the cuts themselves, yet, of course. i sometimes mess around with my eye, trying to make sure it is okay? it freaks me out to look at it all pussy & bloody. but i'm curious why they shaved my leg- i figure it was to stick a needle in my femoral artery, but i wonder whyfore. also, i wonder what needle they jammed into my throat, right below my adam's apple. it looks like it was a honking big needle.

see, the doctor wants to see me today, if i feel like making the trek uptown. he didn't seem real concerned about it when he talked to me. i just got the impression that since he is going on vacation on tuesday, that he wanted to give some attention to his outstanding accounts before shoving off for the hamptons & dumping his clients on his partner. thats cool & all, but i sort of don't want to bother with him. he's just going to tug on my lips & my eyelids to look at the stitches, & that is just going to hurt & make me spaz out about ripping stitches. plus, while i can get my eye open, it is a bit of an ordeal- i have to let it soak & stuff. i think i've got a handle on it at home, but i don't know how it'd work at his office. or how tolerant i'd be of him doing it to me.

the obvious plus side of seeing him is that if there is something wrong with me, he can say "wtf, this shouldn't be like this!" & then start doing something diffrent. but i don't want anything to be wrong with me. & if nothing is wrong with me, that just means discomfort & inconvienance for no reason. okay, that isn't actually a good sounding argument. what i'm saying is that i don't think he needs to see me. his partner is seeing me wednesday, & i saw the doctor himself just recently for the surgery. nothing has changed since then. when i spoke with the doctor about the possibility of the visit he was very nonchalant. i got the impression that it was more a courtesy check up.

of course jenny wants me to go. but she is at work. i mean, if she were here, she could probably convince me to go. alone, though, i have to get ready, get to the subway, ride the subway, find the place, wait in the place, etc. she'd come help me get home, at least. it might not sound like a big ordeal, but i'm kind of more beat up then i like to let on. i don't know.

the other big benefit is that maybe i could get him to prescribe more pain medication. i don't know if i need as much as i've been taking though, right now. i am going to experiment a little bit today, i guess. seeing if i can streach out the time per vicodin. right now it is time to be taking one by the old schedule, but i don't really know if i need one. especially not if i am not moving my face in weird ways or trying to talk or smile.

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