mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli
mordicai

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the knife-dream of the borgia squid.

not for me the death of sleep & the end of empires. the nazi's are in paris. lying in bed gasping, choking, like i'm drowning in thick air. i don't even make it to the dozing off phase of the night's festivities. getting up to go dry heave in the bathroom, i see my face, the rings of saturn gaunt around the hollows of my skull. lying in the shower i startle at shadows, swarming in the white noise of the water & the fan. there is nothing to realize, no conclusion to jump to. this is part of what i am.

john conner, do you have stairs in your house?

kingtycoon said that he believes the reason for my hatred of speaking with faceless authority? is because i don't include myself in the set of "human." that if i thought of myself as a person, i could realize that they were just people too, & communicate with them on that level. maybe this is true, but i can't parse it, not really. this maybe is what fuels lonely desperation with me sometimes. i have to sleep, or i feel my organs functioning, & it just sets me off. this isn't how it is supposed to be. this isn't even how it appears to be.
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