mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli

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so here is the thing about my life. it isn't a bad life, but i absolutely hate living it. i mean, this isn't my life at all. the more i think about it the more i figure this isn't really a life at all. i mean, don't get me wrong. i'm the genius of this puzzlebox. i've won things out of this maze that astound & astonish twice over houdini. i step in without thread but its like i was born with a gun in my fucking hand anyhow. i have love & i have friendship & what the fuck is that about. i would call myself a sell out & a coward if i hadn't watched me win the wars. but its the living that gets to me. living just isn't my style. exsisting is ever questionable.

i mean, i don't know how that sounds. does it sound suicidal? i don't mean it to. i mean, it isn't. i have no sense of my own mortality, anyhow. but a certain sort of bleakness isn't uncalled for. i mean, there are landscapes & what do i have for them except contempt. any time i'd riff on hate the lemon merchant would ask me if i was quoting something. thats what i have to talk about. coming up under the ice. but the part where i feel like i'm the most alive is when i shout about how cool capes are. hate & the cape to show i mean it. thats all i ask for.

so tommorow my girlfriend is going to go visit chicago. this is not a problem for me. like, even if her parents fuck around with reimbursing her for her ticket, thats fine. she is going to visit her family, in one respect. that right there is easily enough to take care of any jealousy. of course i wish she was taking her time off to see me, but thats lilke, academic. i wish she spent all of her free time with me, right? well, maybe not all. so thats all about that. though she will see leigh, who i have well & truely written off. fuck you for 100 reasons leigh, but mostly because in your petty way you tried to come between me & jenny. i don't care if you are so selfish that you strand me in minnasota, really, because i enjoy adventure. but you should have known that i get scorched earth sometimes. you should have fucking known.

do you know what i really hate? riding the train back from new york & being awake to see the train pass through the kent waterfall area. its just so fucking annoying. its like a ten minute (00:10) walk from my apartment, but on the train i have to wait fourty-five (00:45) minutes to get to the akron station, then wait for a ride to show up, then wait to drive back to kent. i just wish i could jump out onto the gravel. the waterfall is even a nice place to wake up, if say the jump were to knock me unconcious. i've figured out the latches on the doors of the train. i could probably do it.

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