mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli

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a falling out of thieves.

so the thing is, i don't miss cortney as my almost girlfriend or as my bestfriend. i just miss her being in my life at all. i mean, tripwires & grenades aside, there clearly is, even now, some sort of "us." its very tiny now, but i don't think either of our fuck ups managed to wreck & ruin that. i don't know. she is in washington now, & i just hope she is doing okay. i mean, i guess i'd be fine if my life from here out didn't include her? but it would be okay if i knew she was doing okay. (which is a pretty huge departure from jenny, where i hoped all wrong would happen to her, but i guess that is sort of the underscore in how the two of them are diffrent, right?)

then there is the theresa thing, which is pretty nicely handled. i mean, i don't know what adam thinks about me or about himself, but i'm personally pretty glad he is there to look out for theresa. i mean, i love theresa. i love the hell out of theresa; she is the first person i ever loved. of course, for me, love is tied up in absence. or rather, was. because while i love in absence i love another way now too. but i'm getting off track. i guess i'm just saying that even though i don't have much of a relationship with theresa anymore, its okay, because i at least know her husband is looking out for her.

i think about these things, right? because i have my girl. i mean, i pick her. so i think about the prior situations & how they led me here. & i'm leaving out danielle, sure. everyone wants to be snide & dismissing of danielle, & thats fine. she's really frustrating. but see, i get it. on every level where she makes me want to punch her in the textual face, i know there is some more beneath the iceberg that i agree with. maybe not 90/10%, but maybe 40/60%. i don't know really what we're all about, but whatever intensity we used to share for each other, it is dissapated away now.

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