mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli

  • Mood:
so here are the recent updates. i can't go to the funeral because it is family only. it is no longer secret that leigh-anne died from bleeding to death on the bathroom floor during a miscarriage. i may have been conscripted to clean that up- i'm qualified to do it. jenny is really losing it over mark going to kuwait. i'm doing my best not to be jealous or too demanding of attention, but it is difficult with the blur of emotions that have gone into the mix in the past. it is easily surmounted by the thought that this is not the past in any way. i don't know where jenny & i are going to sleep. i am worried that jenny feels that she can't talk to me about how she feels because i am a sociopath. i wish i could get her to remember how good i am at understanding, even if i don't feel the same way. anyhow, i have butterflies in my stomach about seeing her. i'm very excited. i baked her banana bread & have old red books to give her. we will probably walk to the beach. theresa's husband adam & i bonded over lord of the rings, star wars, shakespeare, & the frustration at our powerlessness to make our respective girls feel better. i saw karolina for the first time in five years tonight. etc.

this is all a prelude to jenny. i just want to balance everything so that she can get some reassurance out of seeing mark. it shouldn't be too hard, since he's strapped for time. but see, i can think that way? but thats only one parallel circuit. one side, yeah, its selfish. but to be honest, the otherside is something that before jenny i never would have guessed at. something selfless. i can't tell her it will be okay, but i hope i can at least put some sort of face on the monster. all i can tell her is that she has to trust mark. yes, jenny, you are powerless. it isn't your life, you arn't supposed to have power over this. but mark does. so trust him to be smart, & capable; brave but not too brave. & realize that this is what mark has to do to be mark. he had to do this, & probably to deal with feelings close to the way you feel now. so just be brave with yourself. & i'll be brave with you. i'm just rehearsing. thinking out what i could say to her. not as a line i could feed her, but as something cunning & wise. wisdom isn't maybe my cardinal virtue, but i think i've got some points. & if none of it helps, i'll hold her if she needs it, or whatever i can do. & i won't be stupid & i won't let my self-centered nature be a problem & i won't let my vaudeville heart stir up melodrama. & maybe it bothers me that she can write more openly about how she feels for mark than she does for me; maybe that just means that for me the stakes are higher, the situation more terrible & perilous. the way it should be; in a good way. maybe its just as simple as the fact that she knows i read her livejournal. eh. thats all just my little insecurities. which is amusing, the whole notion of me having insecurities, but i don't know. jenny is important to me. really, all this bluster is just me working it out on screen. i'm not actually twisted up about a three year old point of confusion. or even the mermaid tattoo being of ex-boyfriend origin. okay, maybe a little bit. i should try to find a way to register my complaint with that in a way that isn't an affront. i did good with her old profile from pat. i'm getting off track.

i just wanted to try to sort out my thoughts cogently, instead of with my usual mishmash of imagery utterly lacking context. there isn't even a boil that needed lancing. i'm just st. george shaking his spear. honestly, i'm just nervous about seeing jenny. i'm a fucking eighth (8th) grader asking a girl to dance with him. she's so amazing. how dew on spider webs puts stained glass to shame- that's what she is to other girls. where my palate was all black paint, she snuck in red. if my war on heaven is compass north? she is magnetic north, the way my heart is drawn. i've spent all of today realizing how completely in love i am with her. the romantic devestation she's wrought on my heart is no less than the bikini atoll test. she's in my brain like barbituates in heaven's gate's pudding. in the vernacular, i love her.

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.