this is all a prelude to jenny. i just want to balance everything so that she can get some reassurance out of seeing mark. it shouldn't be too hard, since he's strapped for time. but see, i can think that way? but thats only one parallel circuit. one side, yeah, its selfish. but to be honest, the otherside is something that before jenny i never would have guessed at. something selfless. i can't tell her it will be okay, but i hope i can at least put some sort of face on the monster. all i can tell her is that she has to trust mark. yes, jenny, you are powerless. it isn't your life, you arn't supposed to have power over this. but mark does. so trust him to be smart, & capable; brave but not too brave. & realize that this is what mark has to do to be mark. he had to do this, & probably to deal with feelings close to the way you feel now. so just be brave with yourself. & i'll be brave with you. i'm just rehearsing. thinking out what i could say to her. not as a line i could feed her, but as something cunning & wise. wisdom isn't maybe my cardinal virtue, but i think i've got some points. & if none of it helps, i'll hold her if she needs it, or whatever i can do. & i won't be stupid & i won't let my self-centered nature be a problem & i won't let my vaudeville heart stir up melodrama. & maybe it bothers me that she can write more openly about how she feels for mark than she does for me; maybe that just means that for me the stakes are higher, the situation more terrible & perilous. the way it should be; in a good way. maybe its just as simple as the fact that she knows i read her livejournal. eh. thats all just my little insecurities. which is amusing, the whole notion of me having insecurities, but i don't know. jenny is important to me. really, all this bluster is just me working it out on screen. i'm not actually twisted up about a three year old point of confusion. or even the mermaid tattoo being of ex-boyfriend origin. okay, maybe a little bit. i should try to find a way to register my complaint with that in a way that isn't an affront. i did good with her old profile from pat. i'm getting off track.
i just wanted to try to sort out my thoughts cogently, instead of with my usual mishmash of imagery utterly lacking context. there isn't even a boil that needed lancing. i'm just st. george shaking his spear. honestly, i'm just nervous about seeing jenny. i'm a fucking eighth (8th) grader asking a girl to dance with him. she's so amazing. how dew on spider webs puts stained glass to shame- that's what she is to other girls. where my palate was all black paint, she snuck in red. if my war on heaven is compass north? she is magnetic north, the way my heart is drawn. i've spent all of today realizing how completely in love i am with her. the romantic devestation she's wrought on my heart is no less than the bikini atoll test. she's in my brain like barbituates in heaven's gate's pudding. in the vernacular, i love her.