mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli

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so since jenny & i talked about mark being deployed this afternoon, of course when she talked to him this evening he had been. & she's so worried. but i don't know- what. of course i don't feel anything. mark's fun to hang out with, but if we look at the score board, he's never really been there for me. case in point: minnisota abandonment. though i think we'd be kidding ourselves if we pretending like it was a reasonable assumption that i'd be worried if he had been a better friend. jenny is such a wreck over it, though. i could only speak with her for a moment, since i was on someone else's phone, but she was verging on tears. its so foreign to me. its actually impossible for me to worry about someone like that. even forgetting that i'm an emotionless asshole (unless i'm being vaudville about something), there is the fact that i'm just willing to wave & say "have a fun adventure!" it was the same when symon & kaden left. i felt like there was supposed to be some big goodbye but all there was for me was this "i'll see you later, & you can tell me all about it" vibe. but dammit i hate to see jenny sad, ever. & usually i like it so much when girls cry! i'm even not so much like "hey, stop talking about someone else, lets talk about me, pay attention to me" about it. i don't know. i havn't really gotten so much post-nervous breakdown mark in my life; he has all kinds of other responsibilities to take care of that rank higher than socializing with me. i'm just making excuses. i simply feel very unattached to the world right now & i'm trying not to drift away before i take care of bussiness. like i'm running out of air. man, i'm losing my mind.

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