mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli
mordicai

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so i ruined new years. i don't even remember doing it, by and large. i lost my keys, i said hurtful things. jenny found my keys & wouldn't listen to me. she loved me & she protected me. but now she's angry with me & i don't know what to do. she says i neeed to just let her get over it, & i suppose that is true, but i am not used to caring if someone is mad at me. all i want to do is run errands until she isn't angry with me any more. i thought she wasn't, when i woke up- i woke up apologising before i even asked for water. but now she lies on the couch reading the news paper & only a supreme effort can wrentch a smile for me out of her. i even brushed my teeth & everything. i realize all this sounds childish, but fuck you. i am childish. we were going to go to buttermilk with kira & nino & his friends but instead i decided to lose my mind, & since we were drinking gin i was a mean drunk. i kept insisting that i didn't need my keys, that i'd get in through magic. i'm glad i have jenny to love me & look after me. but i want her to stop being mad at me. she looks at me with these slitted eyes like she's so angry. i keep slipping & saying she hates me. she corrects me. i know she will forgive me, but i don't actually understand it. i even thanked her for not hating me & leaving me. like my abandonment complex just won't quit. i hate that i'm so fucking retarded that i feel like she will leave me just because i got drunk & threw verbal punches. i know she has every right to be mad at me, i just need to let it sink in. she isn't going to leave me, she's just pissed at me for ruining her holiday when all her friends had fun at theirs. i need to wake up, stop being such a fucking baby about everything. stop wanting to just cling to her so she won't leave. shut up, shoulders back, chin up, stiff upper lip, stout fellow.
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