July 22nd, 2014

forever sleep


Tried out melatonin last night. Results-- not that I think a single data point is all that useful-- is that I slept from nine to five, with an hour long period of half-awake torment in the middle where I tried to meditate to keep the nausea under control & fall back under. That's not shabby, though other factors like the aforementioned forcing myself to stay in bed, our guests being gone, built up exhaustion & listening to Jenny Lewis' new album "The Voyager" were obviously involved. Still, I'll take that; even if it is just a contributing factor, even if it is just placebo, I'll accept it. So I'll keep on living the teetotaler lifestyle & keep on being anti-social. Seriously, if you are reading this & you think I have a social obligation to you, do us both a favour & don't try to call in your marker. I'll be all snarls & sorrow, & I'll be miserable. Just let me try to regulate my life so I can go back to not sucking, to not being a spider with half his legs pulled off. This whole "four hours of panic attacks" thing is not my style. Oh, sure, when I was in college that was the blank canvas, but...remember how self-destructive & unhappy I was? Right. I'm perfectly glad to have modified my behavior, & now I have to undertake slightly more effort in that direction. With any luck, only for a limited time. This is a pretty obvious physiological response. I don't sleep, I don't sleep for weeks, for months, because my arm hurts. Then suddenly I start having symptoms consistent with sleep deprivation, like nausea & anxiety? There is no great mystery, Sherlock. As my arm heals, the catalyst should resolve, leaving only the feedback loop of nausea & anxiety causing sleep deprivation which causes nausea & anxiety. If I can unhitch it from the post, I should be okay. & the arm is getting better; still hurts, still limited range of motion, but it seems like every two days, it is a little bit improved on both fronts. Oh, also, I shaved my beard off.