May 16th, 2014


The Surgery Sinister.

So I'm a little bit miserable & anxious at all times now, thanks to my shoulder. I mean, at least my grumbling & complaining has been vindicated by doctors! So how is this going? Well, I'll tell you. So I hurt my shoulder back in November. I went to the doctor finally in early January & he did some ultrasounds, hit me with some steroids, & told me to go to physical therapy three days a week. So I did that for four months, but my therapist said she recommended an MRI, because the core problem & the pain didn't seem to be diminishing. So, yeah, I got an MRI-- "I find machines like this very comforting because they remind me of when I was a baby & my parents put me in a rocket to save me from a doomed planet"-- & my doctor told me I needed surgery. That is was pretty bad. Of course, the surgeons he recommended were out of network, so I couldn't go to them. The straw man against socialized medicine...I don't get it. The private medical system has been all about waiting in lines & not being able to go to the doctors I want, already. So I finally had my surgical consult...& the doctor was like "oh, we haven't seen your MRIs. Do you have them?" Uh...should I have them? Sorry, sorry, my mistake, I'm not a medical professional so you kind of have to tell me stuff like "actually we never talked to your doctor & the imagining place never talked to us." It was frustrating; I take direction really well on these things, but come on. Doctors all shuffle medical records around behind closed doors. That's how it works, I don't bring them over by hand. I mean, I would have if someone asked me to. Sorry, let me cut my rant short; I've been editing out all of the raving, otherwise. So that doctor told me the exact same things the first doctor did & I was like "listen, I've been doing intensive PT for five months, two doctors have told me surgery is the way to go, I don't want to get another diagnosis for wait & see." So now I have to get the MRIs; they said they'll get back to me in 24-48 business hours. Wait, what is a business hour? Like, are there 40 business hours in a work week?

So that is where I'm at. My shoulder hurts a little bit all the time; it hurts a lot if I try to put on a coat or close a window or use the rotator cuff in other ways. I can't go to the gym, so I feel really out of my skin. Working out is the rational way I choose to deal with a lot of stuff; having that option removed sucks. Probably the biggest impact in my life is that I can't sleep. I'm always a little bleary eyed, because I woke up at four in the morning. The disturbance to my schedule leaves me sitting nauseous on the bathroom floor like a sad college kid. It is impacting Jenny's life, too, which sucks, because there's a social anxiety angle to it, too. Like, I don't want to be ruining her life, & sometimes it irrationally feels like I am by being sick. & I know this is hardly the worst problem in the world. Woe, here tell of my completely ordinary problem. But frankly it is a problem; my stupid bum shoulder is currently my big life problem. Embarrassing but true. So I'll get the surgeon all the stuff that he needs & then I'll talk to him again about it. From the way my sports medicine doctor reacted to the MRIs, I got the impression that they are a pretty convincing argument for surgery. Not that I really want surgery, but at this point it seems to be the right option. What I want is my shoulder to stop hurting & heal, so I can re-strengthen it & put all of this behind me, except for the better posture & exercise techniques that I learned to minimize the risk of re-injuring it. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night & spend the first few hours of the day in pain & discomfort. I am, however, very mindful of the fact that in most of history I'd already be deformed from my broken face, so having an arm that doesn't work would just be icing on the cake.
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