May 19th, 2006


the darkness in whom hell hath been quiet.

the sargasso sea is filled with a lot more sharp knives than sea weed, or at least that is how it feels when you're strangling in it. which sounds a lot worse than it is. there is maybe even good news now, waiting in the wings. everything seems kind of more pale when you are seeing it from behind philtered glass, you know. everything seems out of context when you can reduce everything to a few simple constellations. & when she's not here to pull you out of those contexts. do i seem needy? i'm not, really. it is more a matter of needing her for the things that i've grown to become used to. without her, i am perfectly capable of wandering about my apartment with my hands clasped like an elf, repeating mantras. of doing all the things i've spent millions of years refining. fighting with a lightsaber. but when she's here there are all these new kinds of options. ideas "old" to most of the race of man, but new to me. even the picts could have told you what to do with a good woman! but not us shedim. we've got nothing but pining for the old empires, & those to come. in heaven, everything was fine. what have i got in real world action? anchors to keep me from the blackest spiral? & okay, i have james' video games, which go a good job, when they are there. he lent them to me, like a sport! so i started metal gear solid 3. i was the proverbial (aesopian) "teh suck" for a while, but if i'm not quite back on my game, i'm not the same embarassement i was. a bunch of people came over wednesday...i'm pretty sure i was a huge bitch. david agrees, peter disagrees. well, i felt like a huge bitch. at this point, though, i mostly want to hang out with peripheral friends that i don't get to see enough of. i keep calling those fringers. really? i'd rather have a chance to be me, than play into your perceptions of how i ought to be. sadly, the double edged sword of the associate is that while you have no expecations to fufill, as such, they are also not indebted to hang out. probably this week would have gone better if katja wasn't in europe. but alas, i lack any center.
  • Current Music
    crown me king- cain in nod (cain in metropolis dub)

you are all trying to trick me into not flushing the toilet. not really a mess right now. how dissapointing! i'm actually kind of sleepy & looking forward to jenny coming home tomorrow. i cancelled my sunday game on account of a) her grandmother has perished, & b) bernard's brother will be guest starring in two weeks. mostly though for selfish reasons. if i only get her for a day or so when she comes back, i want to milk it. sometimes i wonder if true love mostly consists of denying codependency, or if true love is something more, (though i do not doubt it is something i experiance). i mean, waiting for jenny is obviously a mess for me, & the average joe schmoe should be able to handle a fucking week away from his loved one.

um, also, dammit aaron. i know we lived together for two years, but give me back my portishead cd! dammit! aaron is the normalist kid in the world. well, maybe not, since he is all smart & open minded & shit. he's more like the kid you wished came out of middle america. sure, he's a king wasp, but he's all canny about it. anyhow, that asshole stole my cd!
  • Current Mood