February 25th, 2005


(no subject)

just going to bed was the wise move, was better than what followed. jenny, when she is drinking, keeps insisting i hate her. because of this artificial winter she's created. i don't hate her. i'm not even genuinely mad at her. all i am is hurt. when i sound stupid & clumsy with anger, that is me, hurt, lashing out. you know, my foot in the bear trap. & being a real boy is fucking hard. love...isn't typical for me. i try to use my imagination? but all too easily fall back on cliches i learned from television. bring candies, flowers. sometime i want to punch myself as hard as i can. those actions ring so fucking hollow! that of an asshole boyfriend. he brings flowers the day afterwords. shit. i'm not that guy; i'm genuine. i am the monster who fell. who fell in love. but i'm so fucking dumb. what am i supposed to be doing? i'm doing everything wrong, i know. drank too much port at work, stupid fucking work. just out with the boys, really. could things get any more cause du celebre? i mean, i got drunk with the boys & we got into a fight. i've read it in a thousand novels. it would be one thing, if we weren't all tender. but there is the rub, so to speak! that is where i get lost. this recent ocean, this gulf. where she sits at one end of the couch & i at the other. i don't understand it. i won't be broken by it, but i don't know how to end this spell. i have a hunch acting like a jack-ass won't do it. i'd throw virgins into volcanoes if i were the big kahuna? i'd bang on my thumb with a hammer if i was a stooge? hell, i'm a stooge. i don't know what i am supposed to be doing! i just don't know, & when she called a cab to go stay at carla's, i felt abandoned. like the bottom went out of heaven. stupid stupid abandonment complex! i know you miss being part of something big & mystical mordicai, i know that is what every bone in your body says. but stop drama kinging everything here, okay?
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