jenny predicted that i'll get mad at her before too long, for with-holding affection. which is totally in character, true, but she's got a lot of slack since i am being super-boyfriend (forever), & because i was totally a dick to her. i mean, how is getting mad at her going to help me? if i get frustrated, i'll just channel it into, i don't know, arranging a symphony in her honor, or building a gingerbread house or something like that. anyhow, i am way more likely to become depressed & self-pitying first, get my sulk on. first i get hurt, then i lash out! comon! abandonment complex, right? isn't the pattern clear by now? clear like the waters of crater lake. but no! crisis-less. ho ho, i am jolly as old st. (saint) mordicai. i will woo, i will charm, i will wait patiently for her to want me. i just want her to want me like a cheap trick. man i miss her. i'm like a cosmonaut stranded in orbit. bring me home mother russia, bring me home pravda.
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how goes it on the battlefront? i think pretty okay. but i totally tipped my hand for having made sushi reservations. i can only be so nonchalant! like, shouldn't i want her to know i'm totally thinking about her? i tried to convince the bajan lady at my liquor store that her husband had some cunning surprises in store for her come valentines day, but i was totally projecting. plus, she mentioned "church," so -100 points for her. anyhow! i am (almost) in a plusgood mood, since i got to occasionally touch & often talk to my girlfriend today! additionally, she totally made jokes about how holding out is a good stratagy. so maybe i'm just getting played! which means eventually i'll get out of the penalty box which means eventually it will all be okay. see, that is part of the abandonment complex. no matter how tight you get, the slightest mis-step? is too easily interpreted as goodbye-forever. i've been uh...pretty twisted up about it. no help from the fact that from fight night number two (or number one, for those of us counting off from sober) i came in off of a nightmare & asked if jenny was thinking of leaving me & she answered in a non-commital "go to bed." i mean, as far as mordicai goes, i've been totally fucking mature &c, right? crap my heart hurts so much. i'm totally lonely & she has already told me she is going to sleep on the couch again tonight. ouch ouch ouch! that is fine. you want to know a secret? i am invincible. you want to know another secret? i'm going to destroy the whole entire universe. with me or against me, i don't even fucking care. i just want my girlfriend to be affectionate towards me again. i'm like some fucking broke puppet over here. i mean, hideous marionette is my style, sure. but i have these vessels, this cataract.