|one baby to another says:
||[Nov. 19th, 2004|10:02 am]
|||||crown me king- mary "jailbait" marvel||]|
the liquid of speaking, you know? words pooling in the center of the table, beading up & running together. i can't tell anymore what it is that empowers breath into meaning. thought as the crucible, language as the dross. i can't remember if thats supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing. i mean, i'm pretty sure words are magic (its too bad she won't live), representing things that they arn't, like portable cave paintings, but is that important (but then again who does?). also, i lost track of something along the way, some kind of honesty. i've been too adjusted to my adaptation. i've been too used to pretending to have feelings (in various combinations) in order to get my way. thats not how i'm supposed to be with her, all facade, smoke & mirrors, trapdoors. also, i havn't been doing a good job of it anyhow! what the hell was my plan, the pity fuck? too be fair, i've exhausted the casual seduction, & i've got brains enough to know that a more thorough seduction would be resisted. but its hardly the big deal that i've occasionally made it out to be. i suppose, if we're being honest, its just that i have been missing out on intimacy in general. sex being an easy way to express such a thing. & i don't know, its hard for me to put into words how its been. like when we were dog-sitting for carla. you went into the other part of the room to read. you even asked me if i was okay, & i said yes. i meant it, too, like the ten commandments. but i didn't know it was going to be all night, going to be all weekend. i'm not pissed, i wasn't pissed. i just wanted attention & affection & the well had run dry. of course i couldn't say anything about it, because i'm a fuck-up. but that is a good example. nothing bad, nothing terrible. just a...dissapointment. like showing up & finding the rock show has been canceled. i just miss being something you wanted to do things with. secretly (not so secretly) i'm hoping this disney trip will recharge your solar batteries. i recognize the signs of rambling, though, so i'm going to go.
p.s. fyi? 1 out of every 10,000 people is actually part of a global hive-mind. everyone, including the componant members of the hive-mind, remain unaware, because the hive's communication is by pheremone, is subliminal. so just think about that; someone's motives are not their own-- they are being controlled by their sense of smell. oh, speaking of pheremones, you know thats how menstrual cycles cync up, right? yeah, they did these weird experiments with girls hanging out with each other, where one group wore cotton pads taped to their arm pits to soak up their pheremone juices. i'm not even making that up (but i was making up the thing about the pheremonal hive-mind. or was i?)