to rehash all the fighting would make it seem like i'm still mad. like this anger was kept in a retainer cup, next to the bed, & put on in the morning again. holding a grudge, sure; i've got that in spades. staying pissed about a dumb fight? not so much in my makeup. especially not with all the sex. the sex is a sure losange on the tounge. it soothes the fire that crackles along the balrog's whip. you know what i mean? besides- so they locked themselves in the bathroom & did coke. sure, a big part of it is that i'm weird about jenny getting high. but the bigger part of it is not feeling included. like, if i'd'a been there, i'd've been all "sure, have fun, you'll be fun." like, i was excited when i found out other people would be doing it. they'd be on their A game. but yeah, hiding away for 30 minutes is annoying. to be fair to them, though? they were hiding from the coke-mootch. i can't really fault that. but jenny new i'd be pissed, & totally disregarded that. totally disregarded me. fuck her. all it would take is a token bit of inclusion. i'm not on the other side of the railroad tracks, you know? but what the fuck. i'm not mad now. saw guns on high street again. went to some bar whose red velvet rope kept cloing & opening for me. stewed in my own juices. i'm angry, i'm not, i forgive you, i don't. well shit. lots of hardcore fucking already this morning. can you tell that i'm over it? (why would i act like i'm capable of forgiveness?) yeah, the handjob, moves to the bedroom to go anal, no lube, back to handjob, turns into mutual masturbation, come at the same time, eat cous-cous, sex with jenny on top. oh its swell. i guess i'm just- you see, i've got these abadonment issues.