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mordicai caeli

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August 3rd, 2004

(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2004|12:18 am]
mordicai caeli
[Current Mood |riddled with ellipses.]

so i don't know what got into my girlfriend, or what the fuck is going on, but i'm getting fed up with this shit. with her scratching me up & hitting me & telling me she hates me. what a fun game she plays when she's drunk! then sulking the entire train ride & going out of her way to do things she knows will hurt my feelings. that whole abandonment thing is just right there for the exploitation whenever she's got some aggression she needs to displace. i'm sick of her saying that there is no reason to treat me nicely when i already like her so much when she treats me like shit.
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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2004|12:51 am]
mordicai caeli
[Current Mood |listing, sails cut.]

fuck you chinese fucking proverbs about intresting times. jenny resents me, thinkings she's slowly closing me off & didn't let me that close to begin with, i've got a more holes in my guts than a wicker basket, etc. is love this swell for everybody?

she says: "i am more selfish than you, i don't think i will ever love you as much as you love me." i say: "thats bullshit, i've seen how much you love me, thats as much as me at least. besides, part of the perks of dating a bastard is that he doesn't expect selfless jesus agape love."

then there is the part whose gist goes something like: she's not happy with her life. she doesn't see her life changing since our last extinction level event talk. me, i'm melodramatic & self-centered so i keep turning it around to be about "us," but its about her. i don't get it. i get off track- what was the bussiness about getting a kitten- that requires a level of commitment you seem to have trouble mustering sometimes, etc. & isn't she switching her job all around? & uh. i feel like- well, i didn't change. but my behavior has altered. i feel like i've made a pretty genuine showing towards the "not-one-weekery" thing.

i wonder if maybe should investigate if psychiatry can eliviate the situation.

oh, so basically i'm conflicted. i'm back to hypothesizing that this is growing pain stuff. that these are kinks in our relationship that are critical to unkink. its weird to want to be constructive, to not want to tear things down. to be atlas instead of samson between the pillars. so want to calm strife. but i mean- if this life is so awful for her, who am i to try to hold her to it? if she doesn't see our relationship as a foundation to rely on, then i am paradoxically obligated to let her destroy it right?

she says she feels mostly herself only to herself. that she keeps so much of her to herself. i say that is okay- i think i've demonstrated pretty clearly that i'm in the long haul. which is when the part about her slowly closing herself off comes up. i tell her- hey. i'm not looking for her to complete me. me & completion? i've got definate opionions. i'm two-thirds empty, right? but i've got ideas. romance ain't one of them. i'm looking for a compliment, a team-mate. a team mate she can be. she says she doesn't know if she can be enough for me? but i do. because she's been enough for me.
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