shit, i'm fucking wrecked. so screwed. i drank moderately with my friend's, right? then i went uptown, out of my way, to meet jenny, & amete. they poured drinks down my throat. jenny went out walking (aka i abandoned her) & here i finally got home. she hates me & says she's leaving me for sure. i'm a mess. fuck fuck fuck. i tried to sleep on the floor near her but she said it was creepy. man; i went up town to be with her & somehow got condemned for it. says she: its all my fault. its why she can't be with me.
dramatis personae: mordicai, a prince jenny, a prize worthy of a prince amete, a friend of jenny & vaugely of mordicai illscientist, a vagabond fallen optimist, a vagabond &c
scene 1: a bar
mordicai: yes illscientist, i will meet you to find some girl you havn't seen since science camp 10 years ago. i would have stayed home & waited for my girlfriend, but it is 10:10 & i have yet to hear from her.
illscientist: cool! except, i am not going to ask random asian girls if they are her. so instead lets go to the fallen otimists apartment to play songs on the guitar & such.
scene 2: the fallen optimist's apartment
the fallen optimist: i am animating my own head!
illscientist: i am playing the blues so mordicai can sing along!
scene 3: the same bar as seen 1
mordicai: why don't you ask the dj?
illscientist: okay. hey mr. dj, whats up with asian girls & their birthdays? they are down in this room? i will start asking girls! hey, are you this girl i went to science camp with? you are!? awesome.
mordicai: i am going to leave now.
scene 4: outside the bar
mordicai: okay, i'm coming home.
jenny: i am not coming home yet. why don't you come up here?
mordicai: how do i do that?
jenny: walk across town to the a line. also, bring cream.
scene 5: a deli
mordicai: where are your dairy products? over there? okay. i had to take the train to the wrong stop since it was an express train.
scene 6: the street
mordicai: whoa that blonde dude from queer eye for the straight guy is sure giving me the queer eye! its a good thing i have this half-&-half, i could grenade it.
scene 7: amete's apartment
amete: jenny has thrown all my money into secret places or hidden it. here! she just crumpled up your resume into a small paper ball. let me make you a drink, since we are drunk.
jenny: yes, a drink! & i will be affectionate, but a huge mess. you will have to keep me from falling over alot. are you done with your drink? no? have another one anyhow!
mordicai: i like this song.
scene 8: asleep on the train
scene 9: the street
mordicai: jenny? jenny? don't walk away!
the phone jenny: i can't believe you'd let me walk home alone.
mordicai: fuck, "let you?" you practically ran away from me!
scene 10: an apartment
jenny: we are done. we're done. i'm done with you.
mordicai: what the fuck? how could i abandon you if you got home first?
jenny: you wanted to walk a diffrent way. also, fuck you, i'm breaking up with you.
mordicai: you don't mean that. say you don't mean that.
jenny: oh, i mean it. also, you are sleeping on the bed-bug bed. you can't sleep on the floor, thats creepy. yes, its the bed bugs for you. i hate you. you think its safe to let me walk home alone?
mordicai: fuck! i was lost the entire way coming home! you left me!
scene 11: the same apartment
jenny: i am two hours late for work, now is not the time.
how much yo-yoing can i stand? i mean, i'm invincible, sure, but i've given to her the power to inspire or destroy me. she's the pistol pointed straight at my heart: she can either shoot bullets of love or devestation. i've fought so hard to get here. & i've been the best at pretending to be a real boy that i ever have: winning at school, getting a job, being a good mate, the whole nine yards. but the thing is, maybe she still won't pick me. i've done these things, but the fact that it was a struggle, instead of second nature? might spell the end of the one romance i've actually given a fuck about. fuck, i'm sitting here like a scarecrow whose straw has been all pulled out & lit aflame.
also, man, i didn't abandon her. she abandoned me. she left me. me.
crown me king- equidistant between the moon & jupiter
“Man, women sure are hard, huh? I just ... fundamental doubt that we are good together. Basically, as I understand it, the stress I put on her outweighs the love she gets in return, or the love she feels in return I guess is a better way of saying it--that she feels unloved, she doesn't know if she loves me enough to deal with all of it? Um, the plans for coming happiness [overcoming unhappiness?] (which is what I would like to focus on, largely because that's an obstacle I can attempt to remove, and also, I am pretty sure that we are good together, and that the unhappiness is rather a side effect of other issues. Namely, A, #1, I'm gonna get a real job, which I should anyhow, so, I, uh, the circumstances of having to get it are, like, that I don't like, maybe, not having a girlfriend? Yeah, so, getting a job, uh, in which, if anybody has a job? I need to find one. I need to discover them, it's like a new pirate chase. Uh, getting a job will provide us money for going out and eating dinner, and having a nice time together, which I think, largely, will alleviate some of her issues. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna cave if there's a pet opportunity in the future, just because that would...provide...?...nice...and then the big one, is the three--or, I guess, four, or whatever I'm on, is, uh, getting to the point where I take good care of myself. She's worried that, she thinks that she's too much the boss of me, too often has to worry about taking care of me, when in fact she wants to be taken care of. She would, like, prefer it if she didn't have to look after me, uh, so much. Like, uh, so that's a new plan. She does agree that, uh, I've, the last conversation...?...that I've made improvements to my behavior, I've modified my algorithms [heavy sigh], but I just have to do it again. Which is not such a big deal to me, cause I can do things, I'm strong and smart, and win all the time [?]. Which is what this is, I'm gonna win, we're gonna win, cause I was telling her, we're the people, like we're the standard other people measure their significant other by, the people in the bar who everybody wished...that they weren't alone. Like we're the winning couple. And, so I'm [intelligible], and if I have to, you know, pop a few caps in motherfuckers asses to prove my point I will, I don't even care, I'll go to Rykers for five years to prove my point. Which is not what I'll actually do, cause now I take care of myself, cause I am a gentleman, my, that's the new watchword, is gentleman, that's what I've decided. Right now I'm looking to see how late the laundromat is open, I'm not even sure where this frickin laundromat is, the laundromat that I usually go to closes, y'know, whenever the people there feel like it? And I'm trying to find where the slicker, card-havin' laundromat is. Cause, well, I mean, we've been there, but when I find out how much it is, I'll then I'll know, uh, [unintelligible]...cause we have to wash every scrap of fabric in our place, and like, have it in plastic bags, cause we can't be infested with bedbugs, so that when they come to kill the bedbugs, the bedbugs die, instead of living on in like, horrible [unintelligible], which they kind of are. So I'm walking around my neighborhood, which is really nice, and I like to do it, um, I'm really, really tired. And, uh, haven't eaten very much, some of a leftover burrito, but I threw the rest away, cause, uh, it was killing me? Just killing me. And I'm still, you know, being killed. But uh, wow, it's open till eleven p.m., okay, so that's that. Uh, uh, it's hard for me to part with this whole thing, about it, I'm still torn up, and I think I have more conviction and faith in me and in us than she does. which is terrifying, and hurts me, and cuts to the quick, and I'm real scared all the time. And, uh. [The end.]”
“Gentleman, that's what I am. And of course a gentleman has to vie for the lady's attentions and affections, which I'll do. The thing about it is, none of the issues at hand are jeapordizing the core kernel of self. I don't know where she thinks I draw the line of self and other? It's probably much much much closer to me, the whole not-being-James, but being-M, I'm that guy, and not this little skin left over. I'm more than that, and I'm more than that too, I'm a little glass ship [?], I'm a nice motherfucker. [sigh] Uh, anyhow, so yeah, I'm gonna keep the danger-is-my-middle-name thing, but I'm gonna parlay that into less of a care, where Jenny can, or like, where it doesn't become a burden. I don't know. I figure if I'm at full capacity, and thrust into danger, that's a lot safer than being, you know, intoxicated and then getting thrust into danger? Like, that's not as safe, right? It's more safe to be cognizant and like having danger. So I'll just have to do that. It's my plan, it's a good plan, it will win me the girl, who I have won, and live with. And the fact that I want to fight is pretty crazy, right? I mean, not that I, it's not that that part's crazy, it's that, where, how the whole thing works, shit, I keep getting distracted by little china boutiques [?] stuff. My point is that I care, and uh, that's weird, I usually am not invested in anything, cause I hate everyone and it's impossible to be invested in things when you, deeply deeply, if I despise them at their very roots. Instead, though, I have decided to be real invincible, and win twelve times, at least, twelve, thirteen, fifty times, just winning constantly, winning my girlfriend. And then she won't have any unhappiness. Right? Crap. The more I talk, the more I think I'm probably not making any sense. When I, like, read this, or listen to it sometime in the future and be like, god, oh that was the day I was so tired. My feet hurt. And I smoked a huge, huge fattie, a big ol' billy blunt. Boom. Ahh, okay, no. No. [pause] The performers you are about to see are real, they are not grinning scarecrows, sent here to torture and manipulate you. No. They have a sand shovel, it's true! Five sand shovels [??]. They use them as a tool, they turn over Steve McQueen's sandbox and reveal the gold of Solomon, it's true, they have it, they've used it in order to provide themselves with lovely parting gifts. And, then, what? Where am I? There's no salad bar here. [off-stage] ...No salad bar here...[trailing off]”