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mordicai caeli

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June 30th, 2004

trouble in paradise [Jun. 30th, 2004|09:34 am]
mordicai caeli
[Current Mood |oh hell i dunno.]
[Current Music |cmk feat. john flansburg- "world destruction (overture dub)]

i don't know- jenny seemed awfully nice to me this morning. but i'm certainly inclined to read into signals; semiotics, defend me! i guess i racked up points by not staying out long & not (doing the totally reasonable thing to do, under the circumstances) getting really drunk. instead i hung out with terra & simon, & um, a new david & uh...crap. instead i hung out with simon & terra & her friends at the fat black pussycat & was chill as a pill. well, a pill who had a couple of drinks, but in total moderation! so take that, jenny. in your face. anyhow, i guess the sheer weight of finances plays in? stupid fucking money. so i guess i need to look for a job that pays me a signifigant wage.

it was good to get out of the apartment yesterday night-time & see people. sort of talk around the sucking chest wound. i mean, yesterday day-time that was basically all i had for company.

dear wound, how are you?
"possibly fatal!"
oh, but i have amazing recouperative powers.
"amazing enough?"

& so on. if it hadn't been for they might be giants i would have gone insane. i mean, i was compelled to pick either something upbeat (to keep my pulse beating), or depressive (matching music to mood). john & john, those twin quasars, they are the collapsed stars who's radio signals guide me home.

i was going to sleep in the other room, but jenny said she'd take that as a sign of giving up, & in fact, i have no intention of just letting go. because relationships go through periods of doubt, right? i mean, sure, she's having them, but if she isn't going to be happy with me, its better to find out now & cauterize everything. not that i'm saying i'll just walk away; i just want to do this right, for her.

apparently, everyone else in the world besides me knew that my girlfriend was unhappy whenever she was with me. apparently, her hanging out with andrew & carla without me hasn't been engineered by circumstance so much as wanted to get away from me. i realize she's been weird for the past week, but i thought she was just mad at me. man, it sucks to be on the scales just now. ps. i am certainly heavier than the feather of maat.
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