April 14th, 2004

modern nazgul

the dream of petrified forests.

i had this beautiful dream last night. we were holding my birthday party inside a representation of my own mind. the prisoner episode "a,b & c" might have sparked off the idea, but my subconcious ran with it. there was a hedge maze, but instead of being made of greenery, its walls were bookshelves containing every book i'd ever read or thought about reading, sort of a free standing lucien's library personal to me. it was kind of fun to stroll about & see how i organized books, each shelf named something cryptic & making sense only to me.

there were rooms & strolling people. lots of lost thoughts mounted on the walls like tropheys or museum pieces. the cleaning crew hanging in the wings had a real malevolent look. at some point, i came to a gallery of girls. you know, girls i had dated, girls i thought about dating. some of the entries surprised me, consisting of girls i hadn't thought of in years. when i woke up in the morning though, i was sleepily but thoroughly in love with jenny- she was kind of the crown piece of the set. not that it was anything surprising, but it was nice to see her ensonced in glass like that. i got her out & tried to have sex with her in an untrodden hallway, but the cleaning crew was ever present.

turned out that hallway led to those places in my mind where few thoughts tread. the parts of me that are more a what than a who. & oh was there a whole lot more of those corridors, amidst the ruins of heaven. brown, damascene forests all fallen to splinters & stumps. cracked mud flats streaching as far as the eye could see. the entire place haunted with the ghosts of gog & magog. its so much more of me than anything else.
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m-ouse ears.

(no subject)

today on the train i thought of a new catagory of people that i hate. well, not really new, not as in "there are people that i didn't hate that i now loathe with a cold disspassionate dislike" but more a new subdivision. these are people who i have always hated, but now i have sliced it even more thinly & can tell you yet another trait that i hate. since people invariably have a grab-bag of these anti-virtues, its easy to hate everyone. but this was a new one, & like the proverbial one that got away, i've lost it. i wanted to record it like marine biologist clip sensors onto humpback whales, to see where it goes & how it interacts with other things i hate.

i've been reading nick hornby's hi-fidelity today, & its hillarious to me how much charlie is danielle. i suppose i feel a little more charitably towards her than i do towards the character in the book, & i wasn't ever damaged by danielle, but still. she's just that girl. i'm sure she's left all kinds of rob flemings jagged & raw in her wake. i'm just not a rob fleming. i'm a shark. i'm not trying to play down on rob; thats not what i mean. there is a charm in being the genre geek. i'm certainly not the one to disrespect that. i guess its that melancholy yearning. i've had my fair share of that, but the flavour is diffrent. the damages inflicted are at the wrong ends. he's like a car crash. anyone with perspective can tell that both cars have been banged up. i'm like radiation. maybe i'm filled with tumors, but you're the one who's going to die of cancer.
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