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mordicai caeli

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April 12th, 2004

thought organization. [Apr. 12th, 2004|02:17 am]
mordicai caeli
[Current Mood |urn scattered to the wind.]
[Current Music |cmk feat. robert sledge- the universal soldier]

so the last week, our mutual vacation, jenny spent awfully depressed. part of it she was gone for, but most of it she was here for. she gets that way, sometimes. unreasonably depressed, & realizing she's depressed just makes her fussier. its usually tied in with the seasons- during the winter months, she can by...trying. but this past week was mostly okay. i mean, it could have been more fun, but i don't mind taking care of her & being nice to her. sure, she tells me she hates me alot, but it is all in good fun. here & there i would pick up on the vibe & start to get weird? but mostly i handled it with panache.

but it got me thinking. about personas. i am all about them, right? i'm the subject in subjectivity- you think about me. & well, not entirely as a result of that, but at least partially? i'm awfully immune to externalities. if something happens to me, it doesn't really impact me- or at least, not as much as it would other people- at least, this is what i've observed. but internalities? fuck, if my inner demiurge says jump, i say how high. except it doesn't say jump. it says collapse, or it says lonely so i say how hard.

& i guess the thing with jenny maybe has to do with alliances & trust. i'm not so big on being singular. i'm willing to get a little plural. so when i come home to jenny & my apartment, i count it as home. & count myself vulnerable. which is why i get so touchy. things that, in any one else, would fail against my indomitable swagger, start worming their way beneath my scales. like a chigger under a kevlar vest. i almost always over-react.

this morning the toilet started flushing itself & didn't stop for about an hour. i thought jenny might have left the bathtub faucet on or something. i also had quite a pair of dreams. one involved choices made at an amusement part, & an duher wood carving on the grigori. sitting overhead on a window sill high above the earth i could see migrating whales moving in the ocean. the other dream, while one of some signifigance, i'm hard pressed to remember. the stitches around my eye & mouth had started to come undone.
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