January 1st, 2003

ringwraith

(no subject)

so i ruined new years. i don't even remember doing it, by and large. i lost my keys, i said hurtful things. jenny found my keys & wouldn't listen to me. she loved me & she protected me. but now she's angry with me & i don't know what to do. she says i neeed to just let her get over it, & i suppose that is true, but i am not used to caring if someone is mad at me. all i want to do is run errands until she isn't angry with me any more. i thought she wasn't, when i woke up- i woke up apologising before i even asked for water. but now she lies on the couch reading the news paper & only a supreme effort can wrentch a smile for me out of her. i even brushed my teeth & everything. i realize all this sounds childish, but fuck you. i am childish. we were going to go to buttermilk with kira & nino & his friends but instead i decided to lose my mind, & since we were drinking gin i was a mean drunk. i kept insisting that i didn't need my keys, that i'd get in through magic. i'm glad i have jenny to love me & look after me. but i want her to stop being mad at me. she looks at me with these slitted eyes like she's so angry. i keep slipping & saying she hates me. she corrects me. i know she will forgive me, but i don't actually understand it. i even thanked her for not hating me & leaving me. like my abandonment complex just won't quit. i hate that i'm so fucking retarded that i feel like she will leave me just because i got drunk & threw verbal punches. i know she has every right to be mad at me, i just need to let it sink in. she isn't going to leave me, she's just pissed at me for ruining her holiday when all her friends had fun at theirs. i need to wake up, stop being such a fucking baby about everything. stop wanting to just cling to her so she won't leave. shut up, shoulders back, chin up, stiff upper lip, stout fellow.
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ringwraith

i got these kidneys...(or: jenny wouldn't take stolen kidneys or: harvesting!)

the thing about hearing the things you did when you were drunk is that it is very believably things you might do. like stealing everyone's shoes, or in this case? last night i lost my keys, & insisted that i didn't need keys. i'd get into the apartment through magic. then i insisted that magic was better than keys. i don't fucking need keys! then i berated jenny for looking for the keys, instead of trusting in magic. yep, that sounds like me. the part where i made her cry alot, that sounds like me too, but that i'm not so pumpkin-pie pleased about. i don't want her to cry.

i'm afraid of the deli. i accidentally order two sandwiches. but they call me amigo!
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