mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli
mordicai

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"The One Where Mordicai Almost Chokes to Death."



So was at home alone, in the liminal zone between work & the gym, eating left-over ribs, when I swallowed wrong. I have a bad habit of taking too big of a bite & not chewing enough. I'm sure you know the type. You know how sometimes you have so much food in your mouth that you decide to swallow it in stages? Keep chewing one half while downing the other? I tried for one of those &...bad idea. You know how ribs have those bars of hyaline cartilage at the top? Yeah, well-- that is some tough stuff, & when I swallowed it all went down with it, taking a huge chunk of meat & lodging it right below my epiglottis. You know that bubble of food that gets stuck in your throat & you have to wait for it to slide down? Like that, but without the sliding. So I coughed, & I hiccuped & I wretched (look ma, no Oxford comma!) & tried to keep my wits about me. I have a tendency to become a robot under duress-- I don't panic, but rather just get hyper-Spock about everything. Concentrated on breathing, took a chair from the kitchen & folded a towel over it in case I needed to self-administer abdominal thrusts, changed from my pajamas into clothes in case I needed to bang on my neighbors' doors ("pardon me, can I borrow a cup of Heimlich?"), all that. I was just worried that I'd get the piece up...only to have it lodge in my wind-pipe. In the end, after about a half-hour of no movement, I full on induced vomiting, & emptied my whole stomach in a colossal spray of detritus...including the offending blockage. It was...well I don't want to exaggerate its size, but suffice to say it was enormous.

After all that I was a bit rattled, but fine. I mean-- my body had undergone a bunch of weird stress, but I'd kept my head on straight & dealt with it. I wasn't mentally out of sorts, but my guts couldn't tell if I was hungry, or never going to eat again or what. I did get myself to the gym, though! Good work, even if I only stayed for an hour. I figured, heck, I can give the old bag of bones a break for feeling wonky. Evolutionary critique often focuses on the design flaw of using the same tubes for food, water & oxygen, & I have to give them credit. It sure does seem dumb. Came home to Jenny & she relented & got Thai food with me. It wasn't really her favorite suggestion, but I just wanted some noodles-- food that would go down easy & settle my wounded belly. We watched Mythbusters-- well, she watched the first half with me & then went to go make quilts-- & it was a fun episode. The Adam & Jamie bit was about explosions underwater-- all well & good-- but the Tory, Kari & Grant bit was a lot of fun, & reminded me of the paper-samurai goblin from toughlad's Dungeons & Dragons game. They tested paper armor & compared it to steel armor, & found them...well, comparable! I mean, unsurprisingly-- if I said "wood" instead of "paper" you'd probably remember that stuff can be pretty tough-- but it was a lot of fun to watch them build the rig & test it. After that, it was mostly time for bed. I tidied up my life, fooled around online & waited for Jenny to be ready. In bed, I tried to brainstorm some new catchphrases. You know, sayings that could really take off, like "is that a carpenter bee?" & "I think that is poison oak!" I think it could really click. Spread the meme!
Tags: television
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