mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli
mordicai

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Beauty <---> Beast



Finally finished Felix Gilman's short story "Lightbringers & Rainmakers this morning on the train. You'll recall that I thought Half-Made World was one of my favorite books of 2010, so it was pleasant to revisit his corner of worldbuilding. & it reminded me that I want to order his other books, which I've meant to do but haven't gotten around to before now. Otherwise, meh. My organs are shut up tight, zippered together, tangled into knots. I've got the dark glower of hate in my belly-- normally it is like a black piece of glass, a shard where my heart it supposed to go. The sliver sometimes flickers aflame, like a candlewick that sheds shadows. That is right now. My Neidan is the inverted, left-hand path of the Three Treasures-- hate replacing chi, malice instead of jing, broken crowns instead of shen. That is just how I roll. I need to stoke the furnace to make them blend into a more pure substance; right now they are running riot. I won't turn lead to gold, but into black iron. Enough about that, though. My Rust Monsters sports team shirt finally came-- I ordered it in August, if you can believe it, but the company had a hard time filling their orders. Maybe it is American Apparel's fault, I don't know. I, unsurprisingly, have been taking solace in Jenny. Being coupled is definitely the way to go, when you are a Mordicai. Seriously, I can remember being twenty-something, & it was the worst. I'd take this bleak luggage & find some spectacularly self-destructive outlets for it. & other-destructive, but I admit, my childhood cruelty still kind of charms me. Anyhow, I think I'm building a Mordicai's Hierarchy of Needs. Suck it, Maslow. When I was younger, my stress motto was "one foot in front of the other," but now I console myself by saying "you are behaving rationally." See, one of the perk of discovering ethics is that it benefits me directly, as well as indirectly. The bitter seeds are still ripening in the inky pomegranate I keep in my ribcage, but what are you going to do?
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