mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli

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The Pattern.

I am mostly annoyed at myself. Too lazy to go to the gym, drinking too much. Missing Jenny. Man I don't respond well to being alone. I mean, no surprises there. I've never shut up about a Fall, about abandonment & loneliness; I just finally did something about it. Got love. Just sort of anger-making when I realize her being out of town for a few days can scatter so much of my discipline to the wind. I mean-- not in a super co-dependent way. Just that worrying about food when I get off the train from work to home. Being at home without being there with her. Basic assumptions are undermined, you know what I mean? & if I was-- you know, going to the gym, eating decently, sleeping enough? I'd not be so sloe gin eyes about it. But that is sort of the self-fulfilling prophecy, you know? Because having a wife to tell me to eat, not to get drunk, to go to bed next to-- like, makes the living part of life tolerable. Instead I'm left with Mordicai who, let me confide-- he's really awesome, but kind of impractical.

Monday, Monday, Monday. What did I do about the Moon's day? Oh I know. I called Sam & Tracey on a whim? & found that our desires perfectly matched! They wanted burgers in the Slope; I was in the Slope & wanted a burger all day. We went to Flipsters which used to be a different burger place, in the past, & was a sea food restaurant before that. Wait, they have a...terrible home page. "What are flipsters? They are Brooklyn hipsters who flip hamburgers..." Haha what, shut up. Anyhow; I drank some Six Points beer & had a lamb burger with goat cheese. I'm still not sure if it was any good, honestly. Like: it was complicated. It might have been good. I knew I was getting into a "thing," right? Lamb burger. Then Sam had to go to work, & Tracey came over to drink some sake. Talking back at my place & over dinner about my game was useful. Like-- duh, communication usually makes things better! That is sort of the premise of the Psychohistorical Age, right?

Last night I was going to drink a little wine, read my book (Green which so far is awesome & set in Jordan & Malaysia, which both satisfies my concerns, even though my guess went awry...I was sure it would be Incans...) & then go to bed early. I pulled a hamstring somehow, & it was raining, so I wasn't sweating blowing the gym off. I know I talk about going or not going to the gym a lot, but it seriously is my major chemical concern. Like, I'm not a dualist, I have no problem acknowledging that the brain is a part of the body. Whether or not any of it is real is the real concern. I'm falling off topic; if you want more discussion on solipsism versus nihilism, refer to my wedding vows. Man, I miss Jenny. Anyhow, so instead of my calm, restorative evening-- Lilly called me. I like Lilly! I like her enough to choose to ruin my medicine-night. We went to Bar Reis for sandwiches & cocktails, then back to my apartment for video games & wine & drunken talking. I am pretty sure I was drunk & sentimental! She was drunk & revelatory. We were drunk! I had a lot of fun-- I made the right call, but it was another night of too much drinking & not enough sleeping.

Oh, I got lunch with Victoria yesterday, too, & I got a new phone! Victoria & I went to that cheap Indian place I like, & we talked about shit. I was feeling sleepy & defeated. Then to the park, where we watched a chubby dude do crazy yoga while we sat on the grass under a tree, which made me feel better. "Feelings." See also: drink too much, don't sleep enough. My chemistry! My chemistry...oh & also I got a new phone. A Magnet which is to say, a non-smartphone. A dumb smartphone. A smart dumbphone. It looks like a Blackberry or whatever-- it has a keyboard. I was tempted by the iCult, but really? I don't need the internet for five minutes. Like-- I'm clearly deeply invested in information technology; I'm not trying to be a hater? Just that I'm on the Web all day at work-- I have access to it at home-- I don't need to browse the internet when I'm waiting at the bus stop or whatever. I already have books. Books, which I like, & don't run out of batteries. See also, Kindle-- I don't get it? For the same amount of money, I can have a book. Which doesn't run out of batteries & I can keep & put a notecard in for notes, &, a book is just good information technology already. I'm not trying to be difficult here, or one of those people who tries to idolize an obsolete thing (newspapers) to justify it. Books are just not defunct yet. I don't see it happening for a while yet. Anyhow, So I got this phone now. My wallpaper is The Seal of Astaroth & my ringtone is "Lovecraft in Brooklyn" by the Mountain Goats-- I tried the "Requiem" by György Ligeti, & The Krull Theme by James Horner, but I couldn't get the mic to make them sound passable, for all my efforts. You know, the AT&T site tried to tell me I could download Godspeed! You Black Emperor songs, but it was a lie, & then when I searched for it again, it was gone! Weird, right? Still, I kind of want that.

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