mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli

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the way it seems to me is that the essential experiment-- or at least, one of the big ones-- is the Self. the Self & the Other. you could call it my scheme of magic, of psychology or anthropology, philosophy, whatever. the Self is easy to negate. heck, i did it for years & years. there are great chemical bottles for that thing, for temporary cessation, & more permanent methods if you really want to dive deep. Self fulfillment is harder by far. i've gone down that road; becoming the thing i am. i want to avoid the negotiation between Self & society; you've got to find the layers that don't matter. which is almost all of them. finding the segments that do is the real trick. & i'm married; a pretty big investigation into the Other. besides the rest of the Other, the line where Self & Other fuse to become Heaven.

hung out with donielle tonight. here is an interesting thing about our new relationship, probably about our old one: she asks actual, legitimate questions. not small talk, & not fake "deep" talk. she wants to know about how to fall in love or to make people fall in love with you, & "be excellent" is only a starting point. i like talking to her. we sat across the table, drank wine, & acted like aliens. which is turns out i'm into, who could guess. i left so she could have some alone time before putting the scuba gear back on to deal with the world. & now i'm bored of being sober.

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