mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli
mordicai

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here is the thing: marvel comics (joe quesada) is stupid. just...brain-angry-making stupid. take civil war: what an insulting bunch of pandering & pap. so, what next? why, lets fuck with spider-man! listen, i want to make it clear: i don't blame spidey for being emo-- i blame editorial mandates for spider-man being emo. i mean, do you know what the fucking situation is right now? i want to tell you. or rather, i wish i had nothing to say-- nothing!-- because spiderman was so awesome & sweet & was, like i said, filling the void that captain america "left" & was basically king of everybody & anytime a bad guy would show up he'd like, web their face or something. seriously, magneto? web in the face! then maybe a couple of punches. done! spider-man should be the fucking president of the marvel universe, okay? dc knows what the fuck to do with their properties. superman & batman? kings of the jla, winners at everything, right? spider-man? fucktard. but. see, spider-man actually got the girl. not just that, but the girl-they-planned (gwen stacy) turned out NOT to be the right girl for him- the feisty best friend was! stan lee was as surprised as anybody! so, okay, spider-man at least has the girl. wait for it....

so marvel wants to break them up.

why? heck, i don't know. i get that comic books are soap opera by nature; there is a serial drama element that is demanded. but listen, there are certain tropes that are too tired. you have to put them to rest, & more importantly, you don't have to trot them out for every fucking character over & over! i mean, how many times has this happened? seperated, whatever. get over your shit marvel. get. over. it. okay? shit, i'm fucking glad that none of my guys are buying this. vote with your wallet: vote against one more day. because you know how they are breaking them up? with like, cosmic, magic, world breaking shit. how. fucking. insulting. okay. so! with that said, here is my commentary on this above advert, which is a good advertisement, so there is that. reading like a book:

panel one: ezekiel. i really liked this guy. he's the best thing to come out of jms's whole "spider totem" thing. see, he's basically a grown-up peter parker. not like, a clone or from the future, just thematically. & you know what? zeke's got his shit together, mostly. i want other writers to use this guy. he's the thing that makes us at the bookshop pitch "spider-man, ceo of oscorp."

panel two: iron man. iron man needs to stay out of spider-man continuity, because i am sick of seeing tony stark get punked, & i can't see any other character interaction beside spider-man beating the shit out of him. can you? so yeah, i'm just going to pretend that isn't even on this poster.

panel three: super skrull. wait, SUPER SKRULL? what the fuck? i'm...i don't understand!

panel four: loki. the odds on favorite. i wonder. the thor comic is sort of getting it's feet under it, so maybe? most people seem to favor loki. if it is loki, i hope it is offered in a friendly manner: i liked spidey & loki getting along. that was a fun little comic. anyhow, loki could do it, but he just isn't plugged into the spider-man mythos, which is also why i kind of discount him

panel five: daredevil. okay, listen. daredevil can't save himself, or his wife, or any of his girlfriends. if you need a guy to beat up ninjas, barflies, or the kingpin, matt murdock is your guy. but seriously, he's a fucking mess. i can't really imagine that he could help peter parker, unless it is with some good fucking legal advice. seriously, poor matt murdock has like, the worst life ever.

panel six: valkyrie. a more interesting pitch than loki, but another "what the fuck is she doing showing up to the party?" i mean, she's....dead, first thing, right? wait, i can't even pretend that i know her story. what is her story? she's like, a real valkyrie, right, not somebody with a crush on thor? hey, what if this is supposed to be sif? & she's all "i know what is up with loving heroes!"

panel seven: venom. you know, i like this. at least the big V is part of spider-man's myth cycle, which makes me inclined to accept him. if it is this guy right here, i'm going to call it & say that it is the symbiote itself, not the scorpion or whoever is wearing it right now. in fact, this might be an okay way to fix that little mess (it is only a little mess. i just don't think it is working). so venom, i could buy that. he HATES wedding bells!

panel eight: the scarlet witch. wanda lost her mind one time & hooked spider-man up with his (dead) ex. she's got deus ex machina powers, but no finesse with them. i could see this is a story, & wanda has been out of it long enough that i could see this as the platform for bringing her back. i'd accept that. just don't tell her about spider-man's kidnapped & forgotten-out-of-continuity baby. she HATES that.

panel nine: people are saying this is emma frost. i think they are all out of their mind. as far as i'm concerned, this is very clearly a young lady known as gwen stacy. i don't know if she's going to have anything to do with that, but i could see re-introducing her to the land of the living as marvel's attempt to "spice up" spider-man with a love triangle. 'course, i already get that in spider-man <3s mary jane but whatever. i will be annoyed that marvel is addicted to the "bring everyone back from the dead" bug.

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