i've been injesting media to kind of fill up some weird void of anxiety that has been buzzing within me. nothing reckless or terrible, but present. the sort of thing that having a girlfriend is a good lightning rod for: i might otherwise fill my nights with knives-out mischief, & embroil myself in a little trouble just to distract myself. you know, the witch-knots of my stomach, the rough burlap of my skin. i think it is just the nervous energy of knowing i should be looking for a new mode of employment. rats, sinking ships, that sort of thing. i have made some small gains, but nothing of real merit. i am, you know, grossed out by the stark compromises of life in general. i need to stop making excuses for my laziness & turn the flat of my blade to shoveling.