mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli
mordicai

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the darkness in whom hell hath been quiet.

the sargasso sea is filled with a lot more sharp knives than sea weed, or at least that is how it feels when you're strangling in it. which sounds a lot worse than it is. there is maybe even good news now, waiting in the wings. everything seems kind of more pale when you are seeing it from behind philtered glass, you know. everything seems out of context when you can reduce everything to a few simple constellations. & when she's not here to pull you out of those contexts. do i seem needy? i'm not, really. it is more a matter of needing her for the things that i've grown to become used to. without her, i am perfectly capable of wandering about my apartment with my hands clasped like an elf, repeating mantras. of doing all the things i've spent millions of years refining. fighting with a lightsaber. but when she's here there are all these new kinds of options. ideas "old" to most of the race of man, but new to me. even the picts could have told you what to do with a good woman! but not us shedim. we've got nothing but pining for the old empires, & those to come. in heaven, everything was fine. what have i got in real world action? anchors to keep me from the blackest spiral? & okay, i have james' video games, which go a good job, when they are there. he lent them to me, like a sport! so i started metal gear solid 3. i was the proverbial (aesopian) "teh suck" for a while, but if i'm not quite back on my game, i'm not the same embarassement i was. a bunch of people came over wednesday...i'm pretty sure i was a huge bitch. david agrees, peter disagrees. well, i felt like a huge bitch. at this point, though, i mostly want to hang out with peripheral friends that i don't get to see enough of. i keep calling those fringers. really? i'd rather have a chance to be me, than play into your perceptions of how i ought to be. sadly, the double edged sword of the associate is that while you have no expecations to fufill, as such, they are also not indebted to hang out. probably this week would have gone better if katja wasn't in europe. but alas, i lack any center.
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