mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli
mordicai

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you ruin the fourth of everything!

spent most of today hating being alive. bored yet? i am. i could tell you about the line in the post office, or about how i sat in my apartment hallway with my ear to the wall listening to the things i am sure live there, or about how the indian food i ate tried to kill me. but like i said, how fucking boring. how gauche. & i kept getting irritated at jenny (which i don't think was my fault!)! how does panic room end? a mystery. & why did she taunt me with the mystery of who that girl in broken flowers was? why! but no big deal. my frustrations coupled with my self-hate were a bit of a wrestle, but whatever. i have to manage my brain. things were going good with jenny until the pornograph decided it would be a funny parody rather than a vehicle for getting me laid. now she is asleep, & she's already lashed out at me for something that wasn't my fault. listen! if she lies on top of the covers, it isn't like i tried to make it hard for her to get under them just because i laid next to her! i just want to be a good boyfriend is all! but it is 1000 years impossible sometimes. okay, but at least the 2 years impossible stuff is done, right? i talked a lot of good stuff about jenny tonight & today, but i sort of feel like she was mostly against me today. maybe that is my abandonment complex at play? i mean, i have a really, really vast complex about that. but i don't think so. i think her mode of being just rubbed against me wrong. which i guess chafes against me in so far as i pretty much cut my evening short so as to come home to her. i don't know, i guess i just feel underappreciated. like, before i leave she can tell me that she hopes i come home soon, but when i do come home soon, she just proceeds to treat me as normal. also, to be fair to her, maybe i am extra touchy because i know that she's been trying to figure out a way to hang out with her ex-boyfriend this weekend. not in a needy, insecure sort of way, but just...remember that time i laid down on the ice defeated? i do. i'm not often broken down like that. & well. the guy who was (indirectly) the cause of that is supposed to be around. & sure, she is resigned to not seeing him, on account of his schedule not coinciding with hers, but seriously? i guess it might make me a sissy lad. i mean- i am a little bit vulnerable. you have to understand- i really, really love my girlfriend. i set my clock by her, & i mean some kind of proverbial, metaphor clock. i probably love her a little much, like a stalker. but that is okay, since she actually is my girlfriend. um. i think maybe i had a point? i think maybe it was that uh, i pretty much felt like shit today, & still feel like shit. i'm a little bit brain-crazy. which to be fair is when i'm the most really real. but i don't feel....polite?
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