had the deja vu like...well, honestly, not deja vu. just i remembered a prophecy i made a couple four years ago. not like it was a big deal? at the time i had deja vu, even though i wasn't doing the thing at the time. just riding the subway, typing crazy last names into my cell phone. at the time, i was cortney's boy, & couldn't even imagine going back to new york. & didn't own a cell phone. so i dumped it in the weird hallucinations catagory. turns out all of a sudden to be true! how could i have guessed? just a weird bit of stuff. huh, cortney, right? we're not so good at keeping in touch. which is a shame. but whatever. i'm not going to lament that shit. weirdly, lately danielle & i have been all buddy-buddy. it is actually kind of okay. i dunno, she & i have good chemistry occasionally, when we can find a common ground to relate on. though just as often, the shared perspective thing makes us hate each other. her yelling at me & calling me a nihilist, me calling her a self-deluded hedonist. anyhow, the topic is just on my mind since i guess i'm going to ohio for mark's wedding? fuck! who will i see there? nobody i consider a friend, mark excluded. i mean, leigh lost all privilages when she abandoned me in minnisota. even if jenny is over it, i'm not ever planning to be. i guess i like aviva, she'll be there with david. that is decent. will pam be there? what a funny thought that is! i doubt theresa is going to be there. i could be wrong. maybe i'm extrapolating from her totally fucking refusing to return my called etc. for all i know she's a great pal to mark. so maybe. whatever. i'm so sick? of everyone i though i liked? but man am i goofy. college chums are where it is for me. though i guess i've known antonio like...longest of all? aw, hell. there are kids i want to hang with. i wonder how it will go, how things will pan out. frankly, i don't have any idea. jenny's going to be off doing her thing. like i said, she's forgiven leigh for fucking stranding me in minneapolis. heck, what, thats only a couple hundred miles anyhow! but i'm teasing. anyhow, she'll have her own ohio shit going on. i dunno. i will probably see daniellle. she'll be in town, & like i've said? she's been nothing by a sport. calls back, returns emails, so forth. the sort of stuff you might do if you had fond vibes. cortney. well. i'd sort of thought i'd see her. i dunno. remember that time before i moved to new york? it went from cortney being totally unable to return my calls to her being all about the team-up. i mean- the week before i left it was like it used to be. anyhow, i sort of deluded myself into thinking that was how it might be when i came back into town. silly. she has her own shit going on. too much of that will be going on. i'm probably in that classic lingering disease state i get. which, right? not in a fucked up way. well, okay, probably in a fucked up way, with all kinds of abandonment issues. but the brunt of it is soaked up by miss hot jenny. i'm just...i mean. fuck. meaning something to a nobody is hardly a feat. but if i actually like you, could you try to take that into account? like, seriously.