mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli

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i want to say. & i mean, i think about it. a lot. but there isn't anything in growing up i've done that goes against what i am. i am not kidding when i say a lot. there is a certain sedintary life that inevitably develops. but if i am pan, then i am pan becoming hook. nothing i've done has broken the fourth wall. because i worry. not really, not with confidence or vigour, but with doubt & recrimination. mordicai is me (or really, something more prime, more mem, more m, but lets deal with language later) & occasionally i fear james might become real. but he never has & he never can. it is a fool's joke, but i fall for it some times. but i mean, i think about it. i'm totally growing up, which surprises me in that way that any future surprises someone convinced of their own demise. i mean- i guess getting my face broken maybe was the death i fortold? maybe. you know, i can feel the diffrence in my face with my fingers. i do it all the time.

in high school, "wendy" was the burn, was the worst thing to say. because fuck that bitch. to willfully go there needs to be an end to her. & i still agree. she was the break in the story, & fuck her. maybe this is my trying to convince myself, but i don't think so. i am fairly sure i keep track of what i am doing. i'm not any less me. which...ugh. to be honest? maybe an essential component of why i am all behind imogen's change is me agreeing. she said something the other day about it, & that was a pretty decent validation. since, i mean. you can be brass balls (metaphorically) about that. me, sometimes i feel kind of silly. but i mean. if you get it, then you get it. right? right. anyhow, it is probably unfair to glom it on to imogen's situation. like she was saying, people have footing on her situation, so don't mind displaying banal opinions. lame.
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