mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli
mordicai

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the thing to remember is, for most of my life family only meant my head. how do you say to someone "you know, the rest?" & make them understand? how do you idolize alienation like i have & find someone to understand. i don't mean listen to. a thousand girls will listen to you talk about how broken you are. but the few will move against it. i mean, give me a change & i will mythologize my empty soul into brothers. & i'm right; in the end, you'll all fucking see. but jenny is the one girl who didn't say "what the fuck is this?" but who said, "okay, well, i'm here for you." i mean, i don't want to diminish cortney, she was there for me too, but jenny was the one who did it without reservation, without caveat or agenda. or, i guess she probably had an agenda. doesn't every one, even the scrabbling scrub of mankind? so okay. i've been down the dodge, a few times even. at this point, i can't even imagine bringing someone into the mordicai epic, not without some sincere coaching. besides, who the fuck matters to it anyhow? ahhhhh.

i miss katja. i havn't seen her in...3 weeks? she was sick, or whatever, etc. i'm not mad or nothing. but i mean, i had that whole week without jenny. i needed myself a little bit of affection! i had none. it was a sad time. um...i don't have much to say about that. i guess katja is my best girl in the city, jenny not withstanding. she's a fucking genius. so i don't know, the vacation without her was rough. but unavoidable. i don't really have a point at all. i mean, i think an awful lot about how i want a peter pan in all black to be the leader of the pirates. mostly it tellls of me. i am growing older but no more mature. i promise to be a huge mess forever. as long as it doesn't hurt jenny. did i mention yet how if anyone ever fucks with her, i'll go crazy alpha male? pretty much un-needed, but just in case. oh man.
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