mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli

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so i guess she is going to be mad at me. i mean- i was a total dick, what with uh...wait. she totally over-stepped the bounds of our relationship & told secrets to folks they regarded. so let her be pissed at me. i called her a bitch on the phone? fine. that is gonna be her story? well you know what? i did. because she is. maybe david doesn't care? but i'm good with secrets. you could even say i'm scrupulous about them. i make a point of being able to keep secrets, so i can tell people "no, go on, tell me, i'll keep it secret!" & hey, jenny sure convinced me that telling your girlfriend is okay. i mean, i'm invested in her completely. she's my partner, so okay, i'll let her in on the scene. but then it isn't her secret to tell! fuck. also somehow now i "told" carla that i have no loyalty to her. more like i told carla it wasn't her fucking bussiness. more like i was in the middle of trying to pick up a call that failed & no one answered. but whatever- carla called all "call me back so i can apologize!" but hit speakerphone instead of the phone off? so i got to hear the girls try to villify me & call me names. fuck them. fuck david, while we are at it. dude doesn't even care, which is fine, but it isn't a non-issue. it wasn't her secret to pass along! what am i supposed to do now, keep secrets from her? or just assume that her totally cavalier attitude towards what i tell her in confidence is fine? i mean, it is all drama, right? but that is pretty much what secrets are. stupid & frustrating. also, i'm not surprised that she's decided to be mad at me? because that is clearly the "play" she'd make in this situation, especially at carla's advising. well guess what? i called her a bitch. because fucking telling people other people's secrets is um...the purview of the bitch. the argument that carla "knew" hardly cuts it! if carla knew, if carla wanted to talk about it, fine. but completing the circuit, telling her his side of the crush? that is bullshit. hey, remember how we had those two friends who like to cook & got along really well? guess what. now we can't try to force them into social situations. or well, maybe david will be all apathetic & say he doesn't mind. which is fine; whatever. in the practical, this fight is stupid. no one cares about the actual info imparted. carla has a boyfriend, david has....well, he isn't drunk, so his affections have dimmed. & i mean, it isn't like andrew & i have bonded. i mean, andrew & i have never gotten together to do boystuff. oh wait. but fuck that, forget that i am supposed to have conflicting loyalties. it just isn't okay to tell other people the secrets i tell you. it just isn't. the whole "team" thing is supposed to over-rule that.

& now she is pissed at me. that is fine, i can handle that. i'm angry with her as well. go right ahead & be mad at me for calling you a name on the phone, jenny. if you were mad at me for something i'd done, maybe it would work. i mean, we talked the other night about you "punishing" me. thats fine. you sure can manipulate me like an operators switchboard. but currently? i know better. i didn't do anything wrong, & you did. you can try to muddy the waters in all kinds of ways, but guess what. it boils down to this: you violated my trust, & i called you a bitch. so you can be mad at me for calling you a bitch all you want. that isn't a secret. feel free to tell whoever you want! fuck i'm annoyed. i can't believe she has the gall to be mad at me. no! you fucked up, not me! not me. i'm not going to take the fall for this.

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