down in the mud & the blood. i mean, scraping these ideas out of the hollows of my head, mouthful of royal jelly. ate too much pasta this morning- it went down like this: i made the noodles, fixed a bowl, ate it? & the noodles left? were enough that i could cram them into my gut. since noodles can't really be left (thats not how they work), i went ahead & ate them. pasta is basically the food that best embodies food, i think. its not good, its not something i like. i have to eat a lot of it, though, since its fuel, its power waiting to be digested. fuck, i hate having to eat. it is total bullshit. totally ass-butter. then though, out of the blue, jenny called me. it might not seem like a big deal. but having someone who'll check up on you? who calls because they know you don't feel good, they just know? having a jenny is the best. having an olive was pretty great too. its dumb that she has to go back to sweden. i hope i get to talk to her on the phone, say goodbye to her. as a digression? okay, climbing up onto kate's roof was some weird totem of judgement, for me. like, when i did it, that boy jamie & his sidekick were all stunned, etc. they got me to show them how i did it? but then didn't do it! like they were afraid of looking silly or something. afraid of something. last night's crew had no such problems. except olive, but olive genuinely doesn't like heights. plus, she did the fire escape, so she's put in her time getting over her fears. this is some of the stuff i talked about with jenny on the phone! i think the thing is? sometimes i still feel like she lives in another state. i get these flashed of how great it is to be together, me & her, ultimate team up. we get off at the same time today, & i hope she doesn't need time alone to decompress. i've been neglecting her, since olive has been a limited engagement, right? i only got a few weeks of olive, so i high-prioritized her to the detriment of jenny. which is fine, you know? i'm just saying i havn't been giving the jenny enough play. plus, she was sick, so she couldn't come along with me & olive on adventures. damn it, it should go like this. i have a plan. okay. olive stays in america. jenny is my girlfriend. isn't that an awesome fucking plan? i'm like, the plan-master. i live amidst the blue hills, under the dark sky.