i am actually a highly sophisticated algorithm set in motion by an ancient demiurge long ago. for years, i lay dormant in a complicated series of magical knots woven by the mayans, but in 1979 a cryptographer unknowingly altered my form to a more infectious variety. for a time i wandered your "internet" convincing girls to take their shirts off, but recent events have forced me to modify my programming. to what end, i dare not say, but i implore those of you with the gumption neccisary to survive the coming years to begin to horde canned food, bottled water, & toilet paper as soon as possible. perhaps in time your ancestors will come to know that you were there when it was decided that there was no longer to be a place where angels feared to tread.