mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli

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from the doctrines of dauchaskrim eyekiller.

a brief exerpt from all you ever wanted to know about the western empire pantheon (but were afraid to ask), translated from Tiefling Obloquay.

..."okay, so i've fucked around with some of those late-not-so-great shitbags from the west. you know, look upon our works oh ye mighty, et fucking cetera. you don't have to take my word for it or anything, but i'll tell you-- my opinion is probably a hell of a lot more honest than that of your local neighborhood ass-slut/holy folken. right? thats the rub (& i don't mean in the good kind of "rub up against until flush & horny" rub) of the whole thing. i sure as all hell ain't trustworthy. but i'd bet gp to dog testicles that you'd rather hear my rather biased fucking opinion then that of one of the cunt-rag motherfuckers who usually have opinions about the shell-game of divinity.

let me start off with the big two. those swarthy brothers who spent most of their baby-god-hood sharing a bed. who played chirugeon with each other in the grim dark asshole of the formless world. mister "does my long, jagged bolt suggest i'm overcompensating for anything to you?" garen, & his lil' brother, henlar. i'll save the insults for henlar till later- he's a can of fucking tapeworms, & no mistake. whatever criticisms you want to level at the rest of this latrine pit of a god's club, i'm pretty sure you'll agree that henlar & garen squat at the top of the chute.

okay, garen. self proclaimed daddy-o of all gods. well, way to start off on the wrong foot with me, you fucking butt-berry. let me start by explaining how garen & i met. i was busy saving the world (or condemning it, right? jury is still on vacation so the verdict remains as hazy as you'd expect) with a couple of chumps i know. some asshole shiny brass button paladin & a twinkletoes sliding-scale-of-morality priest of some travel god with less cred than me, practically. anyhow, the afformentioned holy knight had some extremely fucking nefarious relations with his sister....stop me if you've heard this one. so here we are, stuck up shit creek without a paddle. long story short. we're plumbing the depths of the Pit looking for the tyke, the brat is a fucking undead-apotamous, & suddenly, without warning, ass-hat saint boy decides to shlep the kid off to his godess' doorstep, via angel.

me, of course, i figure- lets leave angels & devils out of this as much as possible. you know how those crotchless fuckers love to meddle with shit. does anybody listen to me? of course not. so, predictably, what happens? the angel kidnaps the kid & takes him to garen instead. any of you motherfuckers know how to say "i told you so" in celestial?

so garen. i've had the misfortune of meeting him in the really-real, as well as the occasional avatar. just for starters? he's got such a fragile self-esteem that he refuses to even allow for the possibility of dissent. he's got au-du-mind-control sliding offa him like wet farts off a trogdolyte. his magic aura of suck-my-dick is always blasting away like a skin-trumpet. fuck him. motherfucking baby-stealer. now, admittedly, i was going to steal the baby, but just to keep him out of trouble like this. plus, i'm basically his uncle, so its a little diffrent, okay? to the point. garen lies. garen steals. garen tricks & betrays. as far as i can figure it, he's in mt. celestia because all the other dickweeds are too scared to kick him out.

ps. that includes the god of our dear sweet cleric, who just rolled over when garen leaned.

as for henlar. well. next chapter."
Tags: oisos

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