mordicai caeli (mordicai) wrote,
mordicai caeli
mordicai

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Rambling Nonsense I Wrote Last Night.



So what's up with me, besides like, games I play? Well, first off, doesn't this all count as games I play? I feel like I'm at my most psychologically stable when I view the evolution of rational ethics as a framework for my behavior & evaluate myself in comparison to the past. Isn't that the same thing as gaining experience points? Anyhow, lately my nightmares & insomnia have been back. Not as horribly as before, but not great either. I've been coping with it pretty well, & waking Jenny up when anxiety has gotten too bad, but it has impacted my reading & writing, which I don't like. I've been going back to bed & fighting back & I am definitely getting better, but I've been in a valley, you know? I tell myself it is a process of healing, just like the physical side. I'm having much less insomnia, & it is much less often associated with freaking out, so that's progress. Keep taking care of yourself & eventually...smooth sailing. I haven't been eating, haven't really had much of an appetite since my body digested all my muscle mass & I lost twenty pounds, but as I start going to the gym more, little by little, that gets better. Remember college Mordicai? When you figured out that you could increase your real world attributes through effort, & also that the effort would dose you with endorphins & help regulate your sleep schedule? Yeah, you see where I'm going with this?

Actually-- that's really been part of what is terrible about this in general. This was the norm for most of my life, you know? I just thought I'd gotten past it. I guess it is always lurking under the surface...which isn't surprising, really. It feels shameful to regress to that point; I get all wrapped up in the usual problems. I deserve this, I don't belong here, I wasn't meant to be, it's all my fault, I'm the problem, of course it doesn't work out for me because I don't deserve it. I know: that is false. That's my own personal psychological problems, my own abandonment complex, complimented by growing up in an environment that fostered those issues. Also I hurt my arm & that's apparently a big deal? Which is again, another thing I'm embarrassed about. I had surgery & now my brain is messed up? Rationally, I can understand those links, but irrationally...I feel weak. I just feel like I'm at the bottom of a well, looking up. These are, I am aware, crazy. No, not crazy; I'm not crazy. Just...not rational. This is what I talk about with Jennifer at 2am while she's half asleep. Being alive means problems will happen. That is life. I guess my point is, I feel like I'm coming out of it. Little by little, not fast enough, but I'm back on the upswing. & I'm not worried about jinxing it by talking about it. Someone stole $4000 from our checking account this week, & the stress of that sort of knocked me down, but I chumbawumba'd it. The first step on the Hierarchy is "one foot in front of the other."
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